What does ‘being strong’ mean to you? Strength is not one thing, it’s many things. It’s preserving through tough situations. It’s living one’s values in spite of pressure to conform. It’s pursuing dreams, knowing that it will not be easy, but that we will figure it out along the way.
It is rooted in an appreciation of my own value and worthiness and seeing it in others.
Strength can be loud and expressed in all its glory. Or sometimes, our strength is even more evident when gracefully shared through quiet restraint. It can come in the form of a big action or something seemingly small that permeates an experience without being obvious. Strength can be steadfast and unrelenting when needed, or flexible and adaptive in others. It can be building up, standing down or even letting go.
With all these different tentacles, I struggled to come up with one life story that encapsulates my own strength. No one experience seemed to do the topic justice. I came to the conclusion that for me strength is the sum of daily life choices to show up to what life offers to the best of my ability. It’s not a trait that some of us have or don’t. It’s a choice. Every day, I have the opportunity to decide how will I be strong?How did family shape your perception of strength? I came from a ‘pull yourself up by your boot straps’ kind of family that honored hard work and independence. Early on I understood the recognition that comes with achievement. Good report cards landed me twenty-five cents for an A, fifteen cents for a B and a nickel for a C. I think by high school it was increased to a $1.00 for an A, but by then the intrinsic reward of a job well done had been instilled.
Both of my parents were first generation college graduates, navigating this feat through sacrifice and persistence. Growing up we did not buy fancy things or take expensive trips as my parents were building up a nest egg to support the education of their three daughters.
My parents exemplified strength to me in different ways. My dad showed me how to remain calm under pressure and make thoughtful decisions. We looked to him in times of distress to provide sound and sage advice. Outgoing and at times a bit fiery, my mom taught me that women can speak up and make an impact. She didn’t follow my dad, they were partners. Together they provided a solid foundation that enabled me to believe in myself and go after my dreams. What an amazing blessing and privilege! To honor this gift, I strive to pay it forward. My aim is to build into and be there for my family and friends in ways that make a difference like my parents did for me.What keeps you strong in times of trial? My story takes me back to when I was 22 and heading to grad school. I had just graduated from college and got married to Mark that following summer. That’s what we used to do in those days. Two weeks later, we packed up a U-Haul and my 1980 used Ford Granada and headed to IU for me to get an MBA and for my husband to do anything he could to pay the rent.
We were so excited to be setting out on this new life adventure. Unfortunately, it was rather short lived because when we arrived in Bloomington our place was a dump. I don’t mean just kind of bad; I mean really bad. It was a step down from dorm life living for sure with bugs and all. We (I) couldn’t live there and now we were on a hunt to find a new place quickly. I remember it being hot and sticky…and how crabby we were after several hours of stressful searching with no luck. We kept driving around, that is, until my husband drove right through a stop sign and into a taxi. At that point, I lost it and had a meltdown. (I cried so hard the cops took pity and didn’t give us a ticket – silver linings).
Feeling defeated and without a place to stay or a plan of action, I wanted to call it quits. I thought it was a sign that this wasn’t meant to be. What does a young girl do in this moment? Call her dad. After giving me the space to share my long tirade, I recall his calming assurance and advice…”Becky, take a breath. It will work out; just give it 24 hours…and I think you will find that things will turn around.” I have to say that in that moment, I wasn’t feeling all that hopeful or confident… but as it turns out, he was right. The next day, armed with coffee and some fresh perspective, we explored new areas and found a furnished apartment, that while no means fancy, suited us just right.
Life is filled with roadblocks and unexpected twists and turns. As I face these moments, I remember this day and my dad’s advice to take a breath before reacting or drawing a conclusion. It’s amazing how this one small action can make all the difference in the world.Who is a female role model in your life and why? While there are many women I admire, my mom’s influence has been the most profound. Among many life lessons, she has taught me the value of tenacity, connection and living in the present moment. It wasn’t so much what she said, but rather seeing how she lived that made such an impact. My mom came from humble beginnings and carved her own path in the world. She didn’t wait for things to happen; she was intentional about making them happen and believed in herself to do it.
As she reflects back, she relishes the unique mix of childhood experiences of living in the big city during the school year paired with summers spent on her grandma’s farm. When in Milwaukee, she lived in what she describes as a tough, inner city Italian neighborhood. Being one of the few non-Italians, she quickly needed to figure out how to fit in, and at times, not back down. Being at the farm was a totally different world. She worked really hard, but also enjoyed freedom to explore. She shares stories of milking the cows, driving a tractor and riding horses early in her life, sparking in her a fiery independence and confidence. In her teenage years, she caught sight of my dad when he came to do some electrical work with his dad on the farm. The rumor is that during that visit, she supposedly mentioned to her cousin that someday she would marry him. After years of being high school sweethearts, they ultimately did marry in 1955. Their marriage lasted over 50 years and together they raised 3 daughters, 9 grandchildren and now 7 great grandchildren and growing.
While devoted to her family, my mom also pursued her own passions of being a high school English teacher. She was made for it and devoted to her students. Whenever we go out in her hometown, mom inevitably runs into a student who stops to say hello and thanks her for what she did for them. My mom has been the heart and glue of the family. Over the years, she’s made time to connect, listen and be present for each of us. She truly cares about what’s going on in our lives and finds a way to form a unique bond that makes us feel valued and loved.
My mom is now 88 and living on her own. While there are some sweet moments, this final phase of life can be difficult and scary. I see how hard things are and can empathize with the loss of independence so embedded in her bones. Accepting the reality of her limitations is especially challenging for someone like my mom who has lived a life in breaking through them. At this point, I am learning from my mom about how to navigate the end of life with strength and grace. I am so very grateful for my mom and how she has shaped my life. She continues to teach me and I still have much to learn.What advice would you give to the next generation of strong women? This question is very relevant given that I mentor young women within my career as a qualitative researcher. My advice is best summed up in the mantra Shine Bright. I share this message with each person on their first day and many times thereafter. For one thing, I like the simplicity and how easy it is to remember. Yet, even more so, are the deeper life lessons it embodies.
Shine Bright is…
- Rooted in being oneself and recognizing the gifts we each bring to this world.
- Inspires us to live vibrantly and boldly and actively role model this for others.
- Challenges us to seize opportunities with our face directed toward the sun.
No matter where we are in our journey, there is an opportunity for growth. We just need to be intentional about what we are bringing and gaining from every situation to tap into and expand our potential. Leadership is not about titles; it’s about serving as a light for others that contributes to our shared success.
Mentoring has been one of the most fulfilling aspects of my career. As much wisdom I hope to have imparted, I have gained (and then some) through my relationships with each of them. I am honored to have played a role in their lives and will forever be cheering them on to Shine Bright.
Becky’s Intentional Act of Kindness
How did you use the $100? I gifted my $100 to two women who in many ways represent what it means to be strong. Authentic, determined and generous in spirit, their exuberance shines through in how they live their lives. One is my friend, who despite many health and personal hardships, has embodied a positive drive enabling her to move forward. Today, she is in a happier place and uses her time, talent and treasures to bless others. Whether it is caring for her mother or mother in law, helping a friend or watching her grandbaby, she brings comfort, support and a whole lot of fun. The other person I chose, is her daughter who recently had a baby, and finds herself in a position of raising her as a single mom. That's a lot to manage and navigate. I thought they both would appreciate a rare moment to treat themselves.
Why did you decide to use your $100 in that particular way? I was inspired to share this gift with them not so much because they needed the money, but more so to encourage them to take a moment to treat themselves. While it doesn’t solve the struggles, these small acts of kindness can make a big difference. We experienced this first hand in our own hardships in 2012 when my husband Mark lost his battle with cancer. Mark was such a beautiful soul and we miss him dearly. During this time, so many people in our circle blessed us with support. My friend was among them, often stopping over with a kind word and gift cards for us to grab a meal. While we appreciated the practicality of the gift, the bigger impact was about knowing that she cared and reminding us that we were not alone. Once Mark passed away, she hosted us all at her home on his birthday where we shared fond memories and sent balloons to the sky in his honor. This celebration of his life made a lasting impression for me and my boys and I will be forever grateful.
What was the 'Intentional Act of Kindness' process like for you? It reminds me of the importance of being in intentional with our lives. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily to-dos and crossing things off my list to feel accomplished. This helped to refocus me on what’s most essential. Taking a moment to actively think about how I can bless the life of someone else, was a blessing to me in return.